Relationships Fail Because...Part III
By: Steven Griggs, Ph.D., Current Not yet Rated

Relationships Fail Because...Part III
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I see problems with personal relationships every day. In Part I of this series of articles, I described some of the dynamics of these relationships, focusing on the "deep stuff," the buried material that surfaces after a critical time in relationships. One example of the dynamics was given to illustrate the process. Part II discussed Negative Loops and expanded upon the example
provided in Part I. In this article, there is an even more detailed example of a Negative Loop, with an explanation of some of the possible transference dynamics, based upon the underlying family-of-origin assumptions. Please read Parts I and II before reading this article. They should be in this same article directory.
Some people have a hard time conceptualizing not just what is a Negative Loop, but how it manifests. Here's a more in-depth look at one and a discussion of some of the "deep stuff" that emerges as transference behavior. (The following is taken from another source by this same author.)
"Controlling vs. Passive Aggressive. He wants to control things, what she has, when she goes out, where she goes, whom she socializes with, or whatever. She resents this because, well, who likes to be controlled? However, he is more overt in his attempt to control her, even though he might also be indirect if he resorts to manipulation to achieve his goal. Either way, she feels the pressure, resents the intrusion and sabotages the efforts, usually quietly, under the surface, passively aggressively. He does not recognize her "under the radar" ploys, but certainly feels frustrated when his attempts fail to control her. So, he amps up the process, doing more of the things to control her, thinking, more is better and "this time" it will work. She is more frustrated because, well, who likes to be more controlled? Her machinations, again, are off the radar screen; that is, underhanded, out of sight, indirect. The result is that she undermined his attempts again, probably retaliating by doing more of the same things he did not like in the first place that motivated him to try to control her. The level of intensity has escalated because the side effect of acted out negative transferences is frustration, hurt or increased anxiety. These feelings, once ignited, power escalation. The result is that both experience an increase in negative feelings because neither got what they wanted. Because there is no insight into or control over the process, it quickly gets out of hand. When this dynamic reaches "critical mass" one or both parties act out in some other way. This can be bad. One might resort to simple withdrawal. Either might start yelling, or things could actually degenerate into a physical altercation.
The transferences (acted out deep stuff) are fairly predictable and might go something like the following. He has gotten used to controlling others. At some deeper level he expects this to be OK, the norm, or just the way it is. He may have seen this in his parent interactions, or he may have been the oldest and is used to thinking of himself as the boss of younger siblings. He may have a position of authority at work, and then comes home and unwittingly treats his wife and/or kids like employees. He got this control-others idea "somewhere." At this point, we just do not know from where. In history, he might have gotten his way with violence. If it works, it is reinforced and the tendency increases to repeat the experience in the future.
She, on the other hand, has learned to "not make waves," but at the same time not give up her personal power. She does what she wants, resisting his controlling ways, only she cannot be "found out." In her mind, there might be too much risk. She may have had a controlling father who was critical, or worse, violent. She may have had sisters that got what they wanted by subtly competing, but again, "behind the scenes," i.e., manipulating. She may be narcissistic and not care about what the husband wants. Narcissism can be severe, as in a personality disorder, or it can be mild, as in just being spoiled as a child. Again, she learned this style of interacting with intimates "somewhere" and is acting it out, more or less automatically, probably unconsciously."
For more a more comprehensive exploration of this topic, see the ebook (Why Relationships Fail) by this author at:
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page14.html
-Dr.Griggs

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For more information about this specific psychology subject or other psychology ebooks, what they can do for you, or for information about the author, go to: www.drgriggs.org

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